Author Topic: Daily dose of humour  (Read 52170 times)

Offline sisterearth

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #60 on: January 30, 2007, 11:09:18 AM »
why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy?


because he was too far out man! :003:
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Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #61 on: January 30, 2007, 04:33:50 PM »



From the Manitoba Herald, Canada

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The actions of President Bush are prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water.  "They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed Senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.  "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said.
People are like flowers , and I want to thank you for letting me walk thru your garden .
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Offline sisterearth

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #62 on: January 31, 2007, 07:09:10 AM »
why did the stoner cross the road? :102:



who else would follow a chicken?! :043: :120:
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Offline sisterearth

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #63 on: February 01, 2007, 03:32:43 AM »
A hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks him up, and says, "I'm sorry, but you'll be going down to Hell." The hippie, astounded, peers through the gates and sees God walking in the distance.  :103:
"God!" he says. "What gives?   Remember that time I was tripping on acid? I saw you, and you said we'd be in Heaven together forever!"

God thought for a minute, then said, "Oh yeah, but I was drunk." :eusa_whistle:




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Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #64 on: February 01, 2007, 05:42:14 AM »
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the
beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer.
The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would feel
uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would
handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is
for washing our hair."

The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put
a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer. "Here you go, sister,"
she said, "don't forget the curlers."

People are like flowers , and I want to thank you for letting me walk thru your garden .
                                         ...... Lord Buckley

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Offline sisterearth

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #65 on: February 02, 2007, 11:29:39 AM »
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my Hippy neighbor ....
He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiding it
there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on The Hippy's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at the Hippy and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at The Hippy's house.
"Hey, Bro! This is Drew....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, Bro!"
 :036:
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Offline sisterearth

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #66 on: February 03, 2007, 05:48:44 AM »
You Might Be A Hippie If ...
Your hair contains a fully functional eco-system.

You've ever put a flower is someone's hair.

You child is named after a celestial object.

Answering "what's your favorite Dead song?" takes five minutes.

Breaking up with your girlfriend leaves you homeless.

You carry a picture of Gandhi in your wallet.

You're at a funeral and you light a joint after the eulogy.

You don't object to being labeled a hippie.

There's people you consider family and you don't know their last name.

Half your funiture is bean bags.

You drive a vw bus,

Out of habit, you pass your cigarette to whoever’s sitting next to you.

You name you children Bud, Herb, and Mary-Jane.

You roll perfect cigarettes.

You're still waiting for those flashbacks.

People you never met before ask if you can get them some weed.

You think 'All You Need Is Love' was written by Ghandi.

You can fall asleep in the mud under the rain.

You trespass onto private property to pick flowers.

If ... hey, what was I talking about?
 :103:...
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Offline sisterearth

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #67 on: February 04, 2007, 04:44:02 AM »
A Deadhead and his dog walked into a bar. The Deadhead said to the bartender, "Can I have a beer? I don’t have any money, but I have this talking dog." The bartender said, "If your dog can really talk, I’ll give you a beer on the house." The Deadhead said to the dog, "Hey, what’s your favorite Dead song?" The dog barked, "Wharf, Wharf, Wharf." The bartender, furious, threw the Deadhead and the dog out of the bar. Once outside, the dog turned to the Deadhead and said, "Maybe I should have said Dark Star." :112:
 
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Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #68 on: February 04, 2007, 09:18:29 AM »
You Might Be A Hippie If ...


You've ever put a flower is someone's hair. yep , in cops pockets and lapels .

Your child is named after a celestial object. Dawn Yvonne Rose , say her first and middle name quickly .

Answering "what's your favorite Dead song?" takes five minutes. Am I  limited to only 5 minutes within which to decide?



You carry a picture of Gandhi in your wallet. I carry a framed photo of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi in the Magic Bus .

You're at a funeral and you light a joint after the eulogy. Guilty

You don't object to being labeled a hippie. Not at all .

There's people you consider family and you don't know their last name. There are lots of peeps I consider family , however I do know their last names .

Half your funiture is bean bags. Not one but two bean bags in the Magic Bus .

You drive a vw bus, Uh , duh !

Out of habit, you pass your cigarette to whoever’s sitting next to you. Only when stoned .


You roll perfect cigarettes. I use a roller .

You're still waiting for those flashbacks. Them lying baastards .

People you never met before ask if you can get them some weed. Not too much any more .





You trespass onto private property to pick flowers. Or to lead a group of folks for a trip thru the Magic Forest on mescaline .

People are like flowers , and I want to thank you for letting me walk thru your garden .
                                         ...... Lord Buckley

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Offline McT

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #69 on: February 04, 2007, 02:28:22 PM »
There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang.
She rocked up to the Hell's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice.
A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!".

"Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back.
"Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off. "Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys".
"Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".
Stretching sanity since the dawn of spandex..looking forward to every damned thing..life?..ITS GREAT!

Offline sisterearth

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #70 on: February 05, 2007, 12:15:16 PM »
Deadhead Zeke was seeing a show out of town, and was going to crash at his pal Cosmo's place. However, Zeke missed Cosmo after the show, and was feeling pretty lost and disoriented. So he called Cosmo asking how to get to his pad. Cosmo told him to look at a street sign to find out where he was, and he would go pick him up. Zeke looks at the street and says, "I'm at the intersection of Walk, Don't Walk". Cosmo replies "Far out man! that's right outside my building!"
 :028: :033: :080:
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Offline sisterearth

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #71 on: February 06, 2007, 05:01:24 AM »
How meany Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?  :102:



One to actually change it, 2,000 to take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out. :109: :109: :109:
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Offline sisterearth

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #72 on: February 08, 2007, 04:35:47 AM »
 :081:This guy is in Austin for spring tour and he goes into the hotel bar after the show and orders a beer. He remarks that the bar is 50 feet long. "Sure", the bartender replies, "everything is bigger in Texas". The bartender brings him his beer, and it must be 64 ounces! The bartender says "Yep, even the beers are bigger in Texas". The guy has to relieve himself after such a large beer, and asks the barkeep where the toilet is. He's still a little addled from the show, and goes through the door on the left instead of the right and falls into the pool. Panicked, he yells, "don't flush, don't flush!"

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Offline westy6789

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #73 on: February 08, 2007, 06:24:10 PM »
Wow, what a small world! I live near Austin and this really happened! I was the bartender! :005:
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Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #74 on: February 08, 2007, 07:56:04 PM »
Best response of the year

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's
credibility.

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir, with my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes, sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes, sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes, sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The
officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback"
line -- and we think he'll win.
People are like flowers , and I want to thank you for letting me walk thru your garden .
                                         ...... Lord Buckley

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