Author Topic: Daily dose of humour  (Read 52177 times)

Offline McT

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #45 on: May 18, 2006, 09:26:09 AM »
Eep ! I saw that sum in the broooklyn college mathematics book!! hahahhaha
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Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #46 on: May 30, 2006, 06:29:17 PM »
The Koala and the Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint
  when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says
  "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and
they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his
mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But
the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and
falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was
sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got
too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a
drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks
into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is
sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey
you!"
 
So the koala looks down at him and says:

Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much
water did you drink?!!"
People are like flowers , and I want to thank you for letting me walk thru your garden .
                                         ...... Lord Buckley

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Offline McT

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #47 on: May 31, 2006, 11:45:50 AM »
I think you're all stoned  :s3:

Humour is a wondefull thing...haha :s9:
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Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #48 on: June 27, 2006, 02:44:00 PM »
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,

"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." 

Passenger: "Who?" 

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."

 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

 

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

 

Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." 

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then" 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them." 

"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around." 

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

 

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

 

Cabbie: "I married his widow."
 
 
 
 
People are like flowers , and I want to thank you for letting me walk thru your garden .
                                         ...... Lord Buckley

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Offline ttmck

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #49 on: June 29, 2006, 05:37:39 AM »
what do you call a good looking girl from iraq



ans .............    a s i f
go you susy rego number sue110 in aus


Offline McT

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #50 on: August 21, 2006, 11:46:29 AM »
...On the last day of thier holiday 3 women decide to visit the zoo. On the way out one of them grabs a Beaver and says that she's always wanted one made into a hat. How will you get it through customs the others ask, I'll just wrap it round my neck like a collar, easy she says!
Meanwhile one of the other two is wrestling with a snake, I'm off with this she shouts, I want a snakeskin bag made. How will you get that through customs? the other two ask,easy I'll wrap it around my waist llke a belt!
Well the third woman was feeling left out and in her desperation just grabbed the nearest thing which happened to be a Skunk! The other two laughed and asked how the fook she was going to get THAT through customs, Oh! I'll just pop it down my knickers!  But what about the smell ? The woman replied....."Fuck it, If it dies, it dies"
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Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #51 on: August 23, 2006, 04:43:57 PM »
Living Will

I and my better half were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out all my diet soda .
People are like flowers , and I want to thank you for letting me walk thru your garden .
                                         ...... Lord Buckley

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Offline Recycle

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #52 on: August 23, 2006, 05:56:41 PM »
Living Will

I and my better half were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out all my diet soda .

LOL
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I got electric light,  And I got second sight. Got amazing powers of observation...

Offline crustychief

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #53 on: September 05, 2006, 07:14:42 AM »
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
 "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
 
 A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who
 stuttered", she volunteered.
 
 The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
 could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
 
 "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty
 and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we
 knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
 
 "That must've been scary", said the teacher.
 
 "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went
 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler
 ate him!"
 
The great things a man does appear to be great only after they are done. When they're at hand,they are normal decisions and are done without knowledge of their greatness.

Offline McT

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Tricking a nun
« Reply #54 on: October 27, 2006, 06:31:11 AM »
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Stretching sanity since the dawn of spandex..looking forward to every damned thing..life?..ITS GREAT!

Offline Dj:Eep

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #55 on: October 27, 2006, 07:58:49 AM »
 :107: :078: :043:

But seriously, there was a high profile case in these parts recently involving the murder of a high school "girl" when the guys "she" was letting have sex with "her" found out why it was always the backdoor/oral method.  Sad really, since the guys seemed to have been on to her, but waited until they had sex again at a party and then freaked out because now they were worried about being gay and killed her with a shovel.  :010: very sad.
DjEep goes "bump" in the night.


Offline McT

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #56 on: October 27, 2006, 10:56:02 AM »
Thats real sad man.  :010:
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Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #57 on: October 27, 2006, 06:00:00 PM »
The truly sad part was as Eep said they knew and they liked it and their egos couldn't handle it .
They should have gotten a lethal injection as far as I am concerned .
Regards, Wizzard
People are like flowers , and I want to thank you for letting me walk thru your garden .
                                         ...... Lord Buckley

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Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #58 on: November 22, 2006, 04:43:39 AM »
hillbilly, young Kenny, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a

 farmer

 for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The

 next

 day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the

 donkey died."

 Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."

 The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

 Kenny said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

 The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

 Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

 The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

 Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened

 with

 that dead donkey?"

 Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece

 and made a profit of $998.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

 Kenny said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
 

 

People are like flowers , and I want to thank you for letting me walk thru your garden .
                                         ...... Lord Buckley

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Offline McT

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #59 on: December 02, 2006, 09:22:24 AM »
How to tell if yer having a bad day.......



You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
(Note: this is VERY likely to happen in a government office!)

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night...
and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin forgot your birthday.

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the highway.

Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat.

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You wake up and your braces are locked together.

You walk to work, get there, and realize your dress is
stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George
Stretching sanity since the dawn of spandex..looking forward to every damned thing..life?..ITS GREAT!


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