Author Topic: Daily dose of humour  (Read 51900 times)

Offline McT

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #15 on: April 27, 2006, 08:19:04 AM »
 :a9: Thats why sinners go to church.....

I found a link for the vw carwash- WARNING it could offend!

http://c.oneofthelads.com/carwash.php   :police:
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Offline That_One_Guy

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #16 on: April 27, 2006, 12:49:04 PM »
man they wouldnt show anything...

Offline McT

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #17 on: April 28, 2006, 02:07:32 PM »
man they wouldnt show anything...

Did you try strip??? hehe
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Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #18 on: April 28, 2006, 04:46:35 PM »
I tried show me your tits........ :s9:
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Offline That_One_Guy

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #19 on: May 04, 2006, 11:19:32 AM »






Offline Recycle

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #20 on: May 04, 2006, 12:10:41 PM »
hehe those are great
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Offline McT

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Re: Daily dose of humour/ caught speeding?
« Reply #21 on: May 04, 2006, 12:35:35 PM »
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
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Offline That_One_Guy

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #22 on: May 05, 2006, 09:21:45 AM »


California Crazy Law
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.


Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.


Bathhouses are against the law.


In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.


No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.


Women may not drive in a house coat.


It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.


Arcadia
Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.


Alhambra
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.


Baldwin Park
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.


Belvedere
City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."


Blythe
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.


Burlingame
It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.


Carmel
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)


Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.


Chico
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.


Downey
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).


Hollywood
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.


Lafayette
You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.


Lodi
It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".


Lompoc
It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.


Long Beach
It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.


Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.


Los Angeles
Toads may not be licked.


You may not hunt moths under a street light.


It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.


You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.


Zoot suits are prohibited.


It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.


It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.


Ontario
Roosters may not crow in the city limits.


Pacific Grove
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.


Palm Springs
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.


Pasadena
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.


Prunedale
Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.


Redlands
Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.


Riverside
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.


San Diego
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.


It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.


San Francisco
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.


Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.


It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.


It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.


San Jose
It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595


Santa Monica
You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.


Temecula
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

 

Offline McT

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #23 on: May 05, 2006, 10:08:52 AM »



It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

 


LOL. brings new meaning to skid marks.....
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Offline That_One_Guy

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #24 on: May 08, 2006, 10:56:34 AM »
L.A. Math test
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:____________________
Gang:________________________

1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

Offline Recycle

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #25 on: May 08, 2006, 11:51:21 AM »
L.A. Math test
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:___Recycle_________________
Gang:______LoveMyBus__________________

1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?2.307692307692307692307692307692307692307...

2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 23.5g @ $85.00/g = 1997.50

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit? ~12.307692307692307692307692307692... Tricks/day

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? ~1.6 oz

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800? 2

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money? $7200.00 / 6 more years, 3 if good time...

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint? 22 letters

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? 22.2222
Quote
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Offline Dj:Eep

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #26 on: May 08, 2006, 10:54:49 PM »
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money? $7200.00 / 6 more years, 3 if good time...

Wrong...  He'll have $2800. She'll spend $7200.

And he'll get life for a third strike offense, since you'll remember from chapter 11 that Raoul already had a prior.
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Offline That_One_Guy

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #27 on: May 08, 2006, 11:45:24 PM »

He's drunk at the bar
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


Offline That_One_Guy

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #28 on: May 09, 2006, 12:06:00 AM »
Some police quotes....

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

________________________________________________________

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.

A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
___________________________________________________________

This next one is long but its all about being married...

Woman's translations

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.


Offline Dj:Eep

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #29 on: May 09, 2006, 06:42:30 AM »
holy shit, i just realized i must be married!  my ol' lady is a ULC minister so maybe she wed us while i slept!
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