Author Topic: Daily dose of humour  (Read 51899 times)

Offline McT

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Daily dose of humour
« on: April 08, 2006, 12:56:57 PM »
Todays daily dose;

Great Reasons To Be A Guy...

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "She must be mad at me."

Grey hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours. You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
Stretching sanity since the dawn of spandex..looking forward to every damned thing..life?..ITS GREAT!


Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2006, 03:44:54 AM »

   A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.  Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck  his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and  whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and  surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.'  "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.  Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly  manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'  The salesman  looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.  When the  machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost  passed out.  Fifteen seconds later it shut off.  With trembling hands,  the salesman was able to withdraw his member... which now had a button sewed on the end.

People are like flowers , and I want to thank you for letting me walk thru your garden .
                                         ...... Lord Buckley

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Offline McT

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2006, 05:34:56 AM »
 :peace (8):haha-(mwuhahauahuhahhhaaaa :peace (7):)
Stretching sanity since the dawn of spandex..looking forward to every damned thing..life?..ITS GREAT!


Offline That_One_Guy

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2006, 05:08:57 AM »

Offline Dj:Eep

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2006, 06:33:53 AM »
the sad thing is that somewhere somebody has fallen for that...
DjEep goes "bump" in the night.


Offline McT

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Ten reasons why I love my bus
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2006, 09:00:39 AM »

1. She sits and waits for me- even if im late and does it with such charm and grace.

2. She doesnt mind if my friends hang out- they all want a ride and thats fine with her.

3. Shes the best looker- a better 69 is hard to find.

4. She never complains when I put my foot down.

5. I just smile every day when I see her- love at first sight.

6. Greasy hands are not an issue.

7.She doesnt need skirts like the others.

8. She enjoys a good hard drive followed by a long smooth rest in the hard shoulder.

9. Shes just great- I love her.

10. I wish all my freinds had one like her.
Stretching sanity since the dawn of spandex..looking forward to every damned thing..life?..ITS GREAT!

Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2006, 04:17:57 PM »
Thass how I feel bout my '71 .
People are like flowers , and I want to thank you for letting me walk thru your garden .
                                         ...... Lord Buckley

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Offline Recycle

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #7 on: April 19, 2006, 11:40:08 PM »
Not totally funny, But very cool.
This is proof you really can make a living doing something you love. (If your good) LoL
http://s158645047.onlinehome.us/video_5290_10558.html?sid=5290&aid=10558
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I got electric light,  And I got second sight. Got amazing powers of observation...

Offline McT

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #8 on: April 22, 2006, 03:52:20 PM »
Stretching sanity since the dawn of spandex..looking forward to every damned thing..life?..ITS GREAT!

Offline McT

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #9 on: April 25, 2006, 11:08:27 AM »
This man in a Volkswagen bus pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls royce at a set of traffic lghts.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:  "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in the back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in the back here see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Volkswagen says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"
Stretching sanity since the dawn of spandex..looking forward to every damned thing..life?..ITS GREAT!

Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #10 on: April 25, 2006, 05:48:40 PM »
roflmsfao . I love it .
People are like flowers , and I want to thank you for letting me walk thru your garden .
                                         ...... Lord Buckley

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Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2006, 05:50:48 PM »
DINNER WITH THE GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS



A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday  night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *



Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know

about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * *



At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how

many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or

family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because

he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh,

I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *



The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner

table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy

quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *



A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in

prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and

still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *



Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *



The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea

your father was a pharmacist."

* * * * * * * * *
People are like flowers , and I want to thank you for letting me walk thru your garden .
                                         ...... Lord Buckley

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Offline Recycle

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #12 on: April 25, 2006, 08:49:38 PM »
HAHAHAHA
  • 1972 Westfalia
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Offline That_One_Guy

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #13 on: April 26, 2006, 12:45:02 AM »




Offline Wizzard

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Re: Daily dose of humour
« Reply #14 on: April 26, 2006, 05:58:31 PM »
The Organist

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist.

Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
played.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very
proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done
about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash
up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts, because she was
told that would make her breasts shrink in size. (She warned her not to eat
the persimmons because they make you pucker, since they are so sour.) The
organist agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and
said,

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon
tewday"
People are like flowers , and I want to thank you for letting me walk thru your garden .
                                         ...... Lord Buckley

[img width= height= alt=Image Hosted by ImageShack.us]http://imgcash2.imageshack.us/img193/692/wlogo2b.jpg[/img]


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