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LoveMyBus (Public Forum) => Word Association and Humor => Topic started by: McT on April 08, 2006, 12:56:57 PM

Title: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on April 08, 2006, 12:56:57 PM
Todays daily dose;

Great Reasons To Be A Guy...

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "She must be mad at me."

Grey hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours. You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on April 10, 2006, 03:44:54 AM

   A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.  Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck  his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and  whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and  surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.'  "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.  Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly  manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'  The salesman  looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.  When the  machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost  passed out.  Fifteen seconds later it shut off.  With trembling hands,  the salesman was able to withdraw his member... which now had a button sewed on the end.

Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on April 10, 2006, 05:34:56 AM
 :peace (8):haha-(mwuhahauahuhahhhaaaa :peace (7):)
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: That_One_Guy on April 14, 2006, 05:08:57 AM
(http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/content/pic3123.jpg)
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Dj:Eep on April 14, 2006, 06:33:53 AM
the sad thing is that somewhere somebody has fallen for that...
Title: Ten reasons why I love my bus
Post by: McT on April 14, 2006, 09:00:39 AM

1. She sits and waits for me- even if im late and does it with such charm and grace.

2. She doesnt mind if my friends hang out- they all want a ride and thats fine with her.

3. Shes the best looker- a better 69 is hard to find.

4. She never complains when I put my foot down.

5. I just smile every day when I see her- love at first sight.

6. Greasy hands are not an issue.

7.She doesnt need skirts like the others.

8. She enjoys a good hard drive followed by a long smooth rest in the hard shoulder.

9. Shes just great- I love her.

10. I wish all my freinds had one like her.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on April 14, 2006, 04:17:57 PM
Thass how I feel bout my '71 .
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Recycle on April 19, 2006, 11:40:08 PM
Not totally funny, But very cool.
This is proof you really can make a living doing something you love. (If your good) LoL
http://s158645047.onlinehome.us/video_5290_10558.html?sid=5290&aid=10558
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on April 22, 2006, 03:52:20 PM
Check this out!

www.qarxis.com/Fainting_Goats
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on April 25, 2006, 11:08:27 AM
This man in a Volkswagen bus pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls royce at a set of traffic lghts.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:  "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in the back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in the back here see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Volkswagen says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on April 25, 2006, 05:48:40 PM
roflmsfao . I love it .
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on April 25, 2006, 05:50:48 PM
DINNER WITH THE GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS



A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday  night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *



Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know

about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * *



At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how

many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or

family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because

he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh,

I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *



The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner

table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy

quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *



A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in

prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and

still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *



Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *



The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea

your father was a pharmacist."

* * * * * * * * *
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Recycle on April 25, 2006, 08:49:38 PM
HAHAHAHA
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: That_One_Guy on April 26, 2006, 12:45:02 AM
(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/window7.gif)
(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/check.gif)
(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/beat_anorexia.jpg)
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on April 26, 2006, 05:58:31 PM
The Organist

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist.

Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
played.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very
proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done
about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash
up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts, because she was
told that would make her breasts shrink in size. (She warned her not to eat
the persimmons because they make you pucker, since they are so sour.) The
organist agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and
said,

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon
tewday"
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on April 27, 2006, 08:19:04 AM
 :a9: Thats why sinners go to church.....

I found a link for the vw carwash- WARNING it could offend!

http://c.oneofthelads.com/carwash.php   :police:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: That_One_Guy on April 27, 2006, 12:49:04 PM
man they wouldnt show anything...
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on April 28, 2006, 02:07:32 PM
man they wouldnt show anything...

Did you try strip??? hehe
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on April 28, 2006, 04:46:35 PM
I tried show me your tits........ :s9:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: That_One_Guy on May 04, 2006, 11:19:32 AM
(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/winkeyboard.jpg)

(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/encyclop.gif)

(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/willing.gif)
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Recycle on May 04, 2006, 12:10:41 PM
hehe those are great
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour/ caught speeding?
Post by: McT on May 04, 2006, 12:35:35 PM
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: That_One_Guy on May 05, 2006, 09:21:45 AM


California Crazy Law
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.


Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.


Bathhouses are against the law.


In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.


No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.


Women may not drive in a house coat.


It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.


Arcadia
Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.


Alhambra
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.


Baldwin Park
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.


Belvedere
City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."


Blythe
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.


Burlingame
It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.


Carmel
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)


Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.


Chico
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.


Downey
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).


Hollywood
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.


Lafayette
You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.


Lodi
It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".


Lompoc
It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.


Long Beach
It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.


Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.


Los Angeles
Toads may not be licked.


You may not hunt moths under a street light.


It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.


You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.


Zoot suits are prohibited.


It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.


It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.


Ontario
Roosters may not crow in the city limits.


Pacific Grove
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.


Palm Springs
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.


Pasadena
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.


Prunedale
Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.


Redlands
Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.


Riverside
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.


San Diego
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.


It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.


San Francisco
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.


Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.


It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.


It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.


San Jose
It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595


Santa Monica
You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.


Temecula
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

 
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on May 05, 2006, 10:08:52 AM



It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

 


LOL. brings new meaning to skid marks.....
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: That_One_Guy on May 08, 2006, 10:56:34 AM
L.A. Math test
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:____________________
Gang:________________________

1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Recycle on May 08, 2006, 11:51:21 AM
L.A. Math test
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:___Recycle_________________
Gang:______LoveMyBus__________________

1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?2.307692307692307692307692307692307692307...

2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 23.5g @ $85.00/g = 1997.50

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit? ~12.307692307692307692307692307692... Tricks/day

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? ~1.6 oz

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800? 2

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money? $7200.00 / 6 more years, 3 if good time...

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint? 22 letters

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? 22.2222
Quote
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Dj:Eep on May 08, 2006, 10:54:49 PM
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money? $7200.00 / 6 more years, 3 if good time...

Wrong...  He'll have $2800. She'll spend $7200.

And he'll get life for a third strike offense, since you'll remember from chapter 11 that Raoul already had a prior.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: That_One_Guy on May 08, 2006, 11:45:24 PM

He's drunk at the bar
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: That_One_Guy on May 09, 2006, 12:06:00 AM
Some police quotes....

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

________________________________________________________

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.

A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
___________________________________________________________

This next one is long but its all about being married...

Woman's translations

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Dj:Eep on May 09, 2006, 06:42:30 AM
holy shit, i just realized i must be married!  my ol' lady is a ULC minister so maybe she wed us while i slept!
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on May 10, 2006, 06:15:09 PM
The Wisdom of an old dog
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged Mal  named Juneau along for the company.


One day the Mal starts chasing butterflies and before long, Juneau discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Mal thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.  Just as the leopard is about to leap the old Mal exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew! says the leopard, "That was close! That old Mal nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.  So off he goes, but the old Mal sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.



The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Mal sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?",  but instead of running, the MAL sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Mal says:  "Where's that damn monkey?  I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"


Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!  Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.  I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more "youth challenged" than others!!!!

Good friends are like stars ... you don't always see them, but you know they are there.


Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Recycle on May 10, 2006, 06:30:23 PM
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money? $7200.00 / 6 more years, 3 if good time...

Wrong...  He'll have $2800. She'll spend $7200.

And he'll get life for a third strike offense, since you'll remember from chapter 11 that Raoul already had a prior.
Dang I knew I was gonna get one wrong LOL! hehe
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Dj:Eep on May 10, 2006, 09:05:28 PM
It's ok! You can get some exra credit by answering this question:

If Tupac Shakur recorded 230,000 different words and variations thereof, how many different 8 word couplets can be spliced together to create new tracks to feed rumors of his death being faked.

If you can tell me how many rhyming 8 word couplets can be created, you win a 1990 Acura Legend . (we'll assume there is a generous 1:100 probability of words rhyming)
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: That_One_Guy on May 12, 2006, 11:00:17 AM
(http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/content/pic3441.jpg)
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on May 12, 2006, 01:20:32 PM
Tupac only knew five words........."wheres my crack pipe"......(4 words)....and........"Bitch".........( Occasionally pronounced as the gutter ganster I pack a  magnum in Ya face!-educationall apt spelling of "HO"...).....Which means that 230,0000 words is just a myth and as the proud new owner of a 1990 Acura Legend-i Of course.......I  Donate the vehicle to you my friend- ( As you have ample parking space and all that......!!....... :p6:.....)!!!!! :s6:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Recycle on May 12, 2006, 05:04:58 PM
Tupac only knew five words........."wheres my crack pipe"......(4 words)....and........"Bitch".........( Occasionally pronounced as the gutter ganster I pack a  magnum in Ya face!-educationall apt spelling of "HO"...).....Which means that 230,0000 words is just a myth and as the proud new owner of a 1990 Acura Legend-i Of course.......I  Donate the vehicle to you my friend- ( As you have ample parking space and all that......!!....... :p6:.....)!!!!! :s6:
AHAHAHAHAHA  :s9:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Dj:Eep on May 12, 2006, 08:54:49 PM
Tupac only knew five words........."wheres my crack pipe"......(4 words)....and........"Bitch".........( Occasionally pronounced as the gutter ganster I pack a magnum in Ya face!-educationall apt spelling of "HO"...).....Which means that 230,0000 words is just a myth and as the proud new owner of a 1990 Acura Legend-i Of course.......I Donate the vehicle to you my friend- ( As you have ample parking space and all that......!!....... :p6:.....)!!!!! :s6:

Notice i said "variations thereof" meaning that all 150,000 times he recorded the word "ho" count separately.

And if you want credit you need to show your work...(i always failed math in highschool for doing the math in my head and not showing my work)
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on May 12, 2006, 10:31:04 PM
Can I borrow a calculator or is that cheating?.. :p17:....230,000 X 2 = 660,000 x 8 = 5,280,000.....? head count!
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on May 16, 2006, 12:53:00 PM
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of  him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
"I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his car probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the Deluxe Volkswagen Camper."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Recycle on May 16, 2006, 02:10:42 PM
Can I borrow a calculator or is that cheating?.. :p17:....230,000 X 2 = 660,000 x 8 = 5,280,000.....? head count!
isnt 230,000 x 2 460,000 ? Seems like it is over here in Oregon  :p6: lol
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Dj:Eep on May 16, 2006, 02:54:12 PM
don't worry.... i'm still trying to figure out the math on that one...
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on May 17, 2006, 12:24:12 PM
Can I borrow a calculator or is that cheating?.. :p17:....230,000 X 2 = 660,000 x 8 = 5,280,000.....? head count!
isnt 230,000 x 2 460,000 ? Seems like it is over here in Oregon  :p6: lol

errr yep.... :s11:...must be a time lapse thing... y`know...
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on May 17, 2006, 05:38:09 PM
I think you're all stoned  :s3:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Dj:Eep on May 17, 2006, 07:22:47 PM
I figured out the formula for the first part of the question...

y(yx-1)

x=8 (8 words per couplet)
y=230,000 (words total)

total 8 word couplets: 7.8310985281 x 1042

Damn i'm a nerd.... and i haven't done algebra since high school.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Recycle on May 17, 2006, 07:34:48 PM
Ill take your word on that one...
I still dont understand the question LOL
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on May 18, 2006, 09:26:09 AM
Eep ! I saw that sum in the broooklyn college mathematics book!! hahahhaha
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on May 30, 2006, 06:29:17 PM
The Koala and the Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint
  when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says
  "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and
they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his
mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But
the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and
falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was
sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got
too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a
drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks
into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is
sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey
you!"
 
So the koala looks down at him and says:

Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much
water did you drink?!!"
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on May 31, 2006, 11:45:50 AM
I think you're all stoned  :s3:

Humour is a wondefull thing...haha :s9:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on June 27, 2006, 02:44:00 PM
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,

"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." 

Passenger: "Who?" 

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."

 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

 

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

 

Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." 

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then" 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them." 

"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around." 

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

 

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

 

Cabbie: "I married his widow."
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: ttmck on June 29, 2006, 05:37:39 AM
what do you call a good looking girl from iraq



ans .............    a s i f
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on August 21, 2006, 11:46:29 AM
...On the last day of thier holiday 3 women decide to visit the zoo. On the way out one of them grabs a Beaver and says that she's always wanted one made into a hat. How will you get it through customs the others ask, I'll just wrap it round my neck like a collar, easy she says!
Meanwhile one of the other two is wrestling with a snake, I'm off with this she shouts, I want a snakeskin bag made. How will you get that through customs? the other two ask,easy I'll wrap it around my waist llke a belt!
Well the third woman was feeling left out and in her desperation just grabbed the nearest thing which happened to be a Skunk! The other two laughed and asked how the fook she was going to get THAT through customs, Oh! I'll just pop it down my knickers!  But what about the smell ? The woman replied....."Fuck it, If it dies, it dies"
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on August 23, 2006, 04:43:57 PM
Living Will

I and my better half were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out all my diet soda .
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Recycle on August 23, 2006, 05:56:41 PM
Living Will

I and my better half were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out all my diet soda .

LOL
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: crustychief on September 05, 2006, 07:14:42 AM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
 "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
 
 A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who
 stuttered", she volunteered.
 
 The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
 could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
 
 "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty
 and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we
 knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
 
 "That must've been scary", said the teacher.
 
 "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went
 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler
 ate him!"
 
Title: Tricking a nun
Post by: McT on October 27, 2006, 06:31:11 AM
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Dj:Eep on October 27, 2006, 07:58:49 AM
 :107: :078: :043:

But seriously, there was a high profile case in these parts recently involving the murder of a high school "girl" when the guys "she" was letting have sex with "her" found out why it was always the backdoor/oral method.  Sad really, since the guys seemed to have been on to her, but waited until they had sex again at a party and then freaked out because now they were worried about being gay and killed her with a shovel.  :010: very sad.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on October 27, 2006, 10:56:02 AM
Thats real sad man.  :010:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on October 27, 2006, 06:00:00 PM
The truly sad part was as Eep said they knew and they liked it and their egos couldn't handle it .
They should have gotten a lethal injection as far as I am concerned .
Regards, Wizzard
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on November 22, 2006, 04:43:39 AM
hillbilly, young Kenny, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a

 farmer

 for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The

 next

 day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the

 donkey died."

 Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."

 The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

 Kenny said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

 The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

 Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

 The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

 Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened

 with

 that dead donkey?"

 Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece

 and made a profit of $998.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

 Kenny said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
 

 

Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on December 02, 2006, 09:22:24 AM
How to tell if yer having a bad day.......



You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
(Note: this is VERY likely to happen in a government office!)

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night...
and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin forgot your birthday.

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the highway.

Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat.

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You wake up and your braces are locked together.

You walk to work, get there, and realize your dress is
stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on January 30, 2007, 11:09:18 AM
why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy?


because he was too far out man! :003:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on January 30, 2007, 04:33:50 PM



From the Manitoba Herald, Canada

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The actions of President Bush are prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water.  "They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed Senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.  "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on January 31, 2007, 07:09:10 AM
why did the stoner cross the road? :102:



who else would follow a chicken?! :043: :120:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on February 01, 2007, 03:32:43 AM
A hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks him up, and says, "I'm sorry, but you'll be going down to Hell." The hippie, astounded, peers through the gates and sees God walking in the distance.  :103:
"God!" he says. "What gives?   Remember that time I was tripping on acid? I saw you, and you said we'd be in Heaven together forever!"

God thought for a minute, then said, "Oh yeah, but I was drunk." :eusa_whistle:




Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on February 01, 2007, 05:42:14 AM
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the
beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer.
The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would feel
uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would
handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is
for washing our hair."

The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put
a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer. "Here you go, sister,"
she said, "don't forget the curlers."

Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on February 02, 2007, 11:29:39 AM
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my Hippy neighbor ....
He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiding it
there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on The Hippy's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at the Hippy and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at The Hippy's house.
"Hey, Bro! This is Drew....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, Bro!"
 :036:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on February 03, 2007, 05:48:44 AM
You Might Be A Hippie If ...
Your hair contains a fully functional eco-system.

You've ever put a flower is someone's hair.

You child is named after a celestial object.

Answering "what's your favorite Dead song?" takes five minutes.

Breaking up with your girlfriend leaves you homeless.

You carry a picture of Gandhi in your wallet.

You're at a funeral and you light a joint after the eulogy.

You don't object to being labeled a hippie.

There's people you consider family and you don't know their last name.

Half your funiture is bean bags.

You drive a vw bus,

Out of habit, you pass your cigarette to whoever’s sitting next to you.

You name you children Bud, Herb, and Mary-Jane.

You roll perfect cigarettes.

You're still waiting for those flashbacks.

People you never met before ask if you can get them some weed.

You think 'All You Need Is Love' was written by Ghandi.

You can fall asleep in the mud under the rain.

You trespass onto private property to pick flowers.

If ... hey, what was I talking about?
 :103:...
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on February 04, 2007, 04:44:02 AM
A Deadhead and his dog walked into a bar. The Deadhead said to the bartender, "Can I have a beer? I don’t have any money, but I have this talking dog." The bartender said, "If your dog can really talk, I’ll give you a beer on the house." The Deadhead said to the dog, "Hey, what’s your favorite Dead song?" The dog barked, "Wharf, Wharf, Wharf." The bartender, furious, threw the Deadhead and the dog out of the bar. Once outside, the dog turned to the Deadhead and said, "Maybe I should have said Dark Star." :112:
 
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on February 04, 2007, 09:18:29 AM
You Might Be A Hippie If ...


You've ever put a flower is someone's hair. yep , in cops pockets and lapels .

Your child is named after a celestial object. Dawn Yvonne Rose , say her first and middle name quickly .

Answering "what's your favorite Dead song?" takes five minutes. Am I  limited to only 5 minutes within which to decide?



You carry a picture of Gandhi in your wallet. I carry a framed photo of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi in the Magic Bus .

You're at a funeral and you light a joint after the eulogy. Guilty

You don't object to being labeled a hippie. Not at all .

There's people you consider family and you don't know their last name. There are lots of peeps I consider family , however I do know their last names .

Half your funiture is bean bags. Not one but two bean bags in the Magic Bus .

You drive a vw bus, Uh , duh !

Out of habit, you pass your cigarette to whoever’s sitting next to you. Only when stoned .


You roll perfect cigarettes. I use a roller .

You're still waiting for those flashbacks. Them lying baastards .

People you never met before ask if you can get them some weed. Not too much any more .





You trespass onto private property to pick flowers. Or to lead a group of folks for a trip thru the Magic Forest on mescaline .

Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on February 04, 2007, 02:28:22 PM
There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang.
She rocked up to the Hell's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice.
A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!".

"Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back.
"Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off. "Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys".
"Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on February 05, 2007, 12:15:16 PM
Deadhead Zeke was seeing a show out of town, and was going to crash at his pal Cosmo's place. However, Zeke missed Cosmo after the show, and was feeling pretty lost and disoriented. So he called Cosmo asking how to get to his pad. Cosmo told him to look at a street sign to find out where he was, and he would go pick him up. Zeke looks at the street and says, "I'm at the intersection of Walk, Don't Walk". Cosmo replies "Far out man! that's right outside my building!"
 :028: :033: :080:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on February 06, 2007, 05:01:24 AM
How meany Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?  :102:



One to actually change it, 2,000 to take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out. :109: :109: :109:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on February 08, 2007, 04:35:47 AM
 :081:This guy is in Austin for spring tour and he goes into the hotel bar after the show and orders a beer. He remarks that the bar is 50 feet long. "Sure", the bartender replies, "everything is bigger in Texas". The bartender brings him his beer, and it must be 64 ounces! The bartender says "Yep, even the beers are bigger in Texas". The guy has to relieve himself after such a large beer, and asks the barkeep where the toilet is. He's still a little addled from the show, and goes through the door on the left instead of the right and falls into the pool. Panicked, he yells, "don't flush, don't flush!"

Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: westy6789 on February 08, 2007, 06:24:10 PM
Wow, what a small world! I live near Austin and this really happened! I was the bartender! :005:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on February 08, 2007, 07:56:04 PM
Best response of the year

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's
credibility.

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir, with my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes, sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes, sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes, sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The
officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback"
line -- and we think he'll win.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Brotherearth on February 09, 2007, 07:22:01 AM
Best response of the year

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's
credibility.

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir, with my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes, sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes, sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes, sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The
officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback"
line -- and we think he'll win.

That is awesome
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on February 09, 2007, 09:26:27 PM
It's good to tell the truth

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

 

One day Wally didn't show up Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.

 

But after he hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried.

 

However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

 

A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?"

 

Wally replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Max!! "What in the world for?"

 

"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the Coffee Shop where we sometimes get coffee?" "Yeah" said MAX, "I remember her. What about her?"

 

"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old codger like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.

 

The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on February 10, 2007, 04:01:57 AM


Cop wants an excuse
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"
 
 :110:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on February 12, 2007, 06:28:40 AM
House Calls
Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -"Howard, you're a veterinarian."  :m11:

Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: mysterybus on February 12, 2007, 06:13:00 PM
 :Drogar-Smile(LBG):Boudreaux the Cajun was driving down the street in Breaux Bridge in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take some pity on me. If you find me a parkin' place, I'll go to Mass every Sunday fo de ress of my life and give up drinking beer and chasin' wimmen." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Boudreaux looked up again, and said, "Never mind, I found one." :Drogar-Shock(LBG):

 :109:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: mysterybus on February 12, 2007, 06:17:03 PM

Oh  yea...


Sarah, my wife, and I are about to move to a house of our own!! I told her whenever she is in the kitchen she is to wear white...she asked me why...I told her because i want my dish washer to match the refrigerator!!! :058:


PS I can't waite to get home and rip my wifes panties off!!!


They keep ridin' up my crack and drivin' me crazy!! :eusa_shifty: :Drogar-Sick(LBG):
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: zozo on February 12, 2007, 06:33:36 PM
A nasty limerick anyone?

The nymphomaniac Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina.
And her asshole in Buckingham Palace.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on February 13, 2007, 04:39:05 AM
 :043:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on February 13, 2007, 07:32:53 AM
:043:

I second that!

The Duchess when pouring the tea,
Asked "Do you fart when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And I think that was one up to me
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Dj:Eep on February 13, 2007, 11:47:12 AM
Double :043: :043:  on both of those.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: That_One_Guy on February 14, 2007, 01:50:50 AM
(http://mottokun.mindict.org/2007/february/fun1.jpg)
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: westy6789 on February 14, 2007, 05:59:04 AM
(http://mottokun.mindict.org/2007/february/fun1.jpg)

This is the latest in IM hardware, reception is great but replying creates an Excedrin moment.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: zozo on February 14, 2007, 06:51:35 AM
There was a young plumber of Leigh,
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on February 14, 2007, 07:03:42 AM
 ;D :003:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: zozo on February 14, 2007, 10:40:20 AM
A worried young man from Stamboul,
Discovered red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic!
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: zozo on February 14, 2007, 10:42:13 AM
In Memory of Anna Nicole:

Coitus upon a cadaver
Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
Her innanimate state
Means a man needn't wait,
And eliminates all the palaver.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on February 15, 2007, 07:01:27 AM
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was
and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never
yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living
room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your
telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed
that you actually set it free in the first place, you either
married it or gave birth to it!

 :eusa_whistle:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on February 15, 2007, 09:44:25 AM
The last time I dined with the King
He did a most curious thing.
He sat on a stool,
Took out his tool,
And said, "if I play will you sing?"
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: zozo on February 15, 2007, 11:18:59 AM
There was a young woman of Croft
Who played with herself in a loft,
Having reasoned that candles
Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they did not go soft.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on February 15, 2007, 09:07:30 PM
There was an old woman from leith
Who would circumcise men with her teeth
It wasn`t for fame,
or love of the game
but to get at the cheese underneath.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on February 21, 2007, 06:09:12 PM
REPOST! :005:

Had to dig this one out again I think its so funny.... :043:

This man in a Volkswagen bus pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls royce at a set of traffic lghts.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:  "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in the back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in the back here see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Volkswagen says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"

Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: That_One_Guy on February 22, 2007, 12:33:39 PM
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because their plugged into a genius)

WHY DONT WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they dont have time)

WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they dont stop to ask directions)

WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)
(your laughing arent you?!?!)

WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they wont hump womens legs at parties)

WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
((you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT DOWN A TOILET SEAT?
(dont know it never happens)

C'mon guys we laugh at your blonde jokes

WHY DID GOD PUT MAN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator cant mow the lawn)
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on February 23, 2007, 06:23:34 PM
Hey TOG that one might have been better in the adult section .
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on February 27, 2007, 06:02:24 AM
Two hippies are driving their bus through Texas when they get pulled over
by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the drivers window
with his nightstick, the hippie rolls down the window, and the
trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The hippie says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."

Hippie says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the hippies license, and he's clean.

He gives the hippie his license back and walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls
his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the
nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're
gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!'"
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on February 27, 2007, 06:04:36 AM
 :043: :043:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on February 27, 2007, 06:25:21 AM
Got another one for ya sis!! :Drogar-Smile(LBG):

A hippie was cruising down the highway, feeling secure in a
gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as
they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed
detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and
was about to walk away when the hippie asked, "Officer, I know I
was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of
other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did
*I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the hippie.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled hippie replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on February 27, 2007, 12:46:02 PM
 poor hippie!  :109:  :043:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on February 27, 2007, 01:04:17 PM
A banker is proudly driving his brand-new Jaguar sedan around in down town San Francisco. On reaching his destination, he parks the car at the curb and gets out on the traffic side. Just as he opens the door, a hippie bus slams into it, ripping the door right off its hinges. The hippie bus drives off as if nothing extraordinary has occurred.

A policeman who witnesses the whole thing walks up to the banker, who is now wailing loudly, "Ohhh myyy gaaawdd! Look what that idiot did to my new Jaaaaggguuuaar!
The cop looks at the banker, shakes his head, and says, "You bankers are so damn materialistic! Here you are whining about your expensive car, and you don't even realize that bus tore off your arm!"

The banker looks down at where his arm used to be and begins to wail loudly, "Ohhhh myyy gaawd, my Rolllllleeeexxx is gone!"
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on March 04, 2007, 06:31:06 AM
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on March 29, 2007, 04:51:41 AM
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
 
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Nebula on May 10, 2007, 01:09:00 AM
there was a brunette, a red head and a blonde
all having coffee one day
the brunette says  i was cleaning my daughters room and i found some cigarettes
i did not even know my daughter smoked
the red head said i once found pot in my daughter room, never would of guessed she smoked pot
the blonde says i found a condom in my daughters room, i didnt know she had a penis
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: GostaBerling on May 10, 2007, 11:40:00 AM
 lol That is a good one Nebula.

I've got one,


A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Nun walk into a bar.



You'd think at least the Priest and the nun would have ducked.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Nebula on May 11, 2007, 01:32:07 AM
thats funny
it took me a minute
but eveything takes a minute with me
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on May 11, 2007, 06:03:55 PM
Neb i never realised you had a sense of humour.......a dirty one as well... lol....i figured being a computer oracle......this is real a cool happening....one small step for pc.....one large step for computer kind  :Drogar-BigGrin(LBG):
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: westy6789 on May 23, 2007, 04:14:12 PM
there was a brunette, a red head and a blonde
all having coffee one day
the brunette says  i was cleaning my daughters room and i found some cigarettes
i did not even know my daughter smoked
the red head said i once found pot in my daughter room, never would of guessed she smoked pot
the blonde says i found a condom in my daughters room, i didnt know she had a penis

This one really made me laugh!
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Nebula on May 24, 2007, 12:47:32 AM
this little boy
(whos daddy is fighting over in iraq)
told his mommy
"mom i would like a little sister"
hes mom said
"shouldnt we wait till you father gets back'
the little boy said
"NO  LETS SURPRICE HIM'
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: wetwillie on June 25, 2007, 06:57:47 PM
My cousin, a newbie to the joys of Bus ownership was driving her just purchased VW camper bus across the country recently, and while climbing a grade going up the Great Divide, it started to run poorly. In fact, after a short time, it got so bad she became stalled on the side of the road. Fearing the worst, she got our her cell, and having had the forsight to print out a copy off the internet, called one of the the A.I.R.S. guys in the area, who graciously said he would drive out and have a look.

When he got there, after consoling her, he tried a couple of times to start the beast, failing, and then headed back to the engine bay. He fooled around a bit in the engine bay, then he told her to try and start it up. To her amazement and joy, it fired right up and seemed to be running better than ever. She asked him what was wrong, and he said "Just crap in the carburetor."

She looked at him for a moment, not expecting this answer, then asked:" Well... O.K. How often should I do that!?"

Wetwille
www.vwsurfari.com
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on June 25, 2007, 07:39:11 PM
 :Drogar-Laugh(LBG):
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McFly on June 26, 2007, 04:08:04 AM
True story, off another forum:

As for the kombi karma story that kind of fits here ... a couple of weeks back I was driving down to the south coast just past Nowra where I had just stopped for petrol and an ice cream cone. This guy in a huge black Monaro or something 'doofy' (dont know my car makes too well) came out of nowhere (as they do) and was driving up close behind me then falling back then driving up close as I cruised along at 90k's (IN a 90k area by the way!) - obviously wanting me to let him past. I was focussed on ignoring him when another kombi drove past the other way and gave me this huge arm out the window salute & horn beep. Well my horn doesnt work so I stuck my arm out on reflex to return his enthusiastic kombi salute ..... and the ice cream I was holding blew off the top of the cone and splattered all over the window of the Monaro dude. Man, it was like a pelican had flown over. I was horrified at the time as I saw him drop back a bit, windscreen wipers going. What are the odds!?! He passed me on a dual overtake lane just after that and revved and held one finger out the window at me - but by then I WAS smiling (even though staring straight ahead!) so cant say as a I blame him!
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on June 26, 2007, 04:35:38 AM
O man that is too funny! Score one for the buses!  :thewave:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: ima_slo1 on July 01, 2007, 09:38:30 AM
 those are really funny bus stories  :LMAO:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: GostaBerling on July 07, 2007, 06:30:18 PM
True story, off another forum:

As for the kombi karma story that kind of fits here ... a couple of weeks back I was driving down to the south coast just past Nowra where I had just stopped for petrol and an ice cream cone. This guy in a huge black Monaro or something 'doofy' (dont know my car makes too well) came out of nowhere (as they do) and was driving up close behind me then falling back then driving up close as I cruised along at 90k's (IN a 90k area by the way!) - obviously wanting me to let him past. I was focussed on ignoring him when another kombi drove past the other way and gave me this huge arm out the window salute & horn beep. Well my horn doesnt work so I stuck my arm out on reflex to return his enthusiastic kombi salute ..... and the ice cream I was holding blew off the top of the cone and splattered all over the window of the Monaro dude. Man, it was like a pelican had flown over. I was horrified at the time as I saw him drop back a bit, windscreen wipers going. What are the odds!?! He passed me on a dual overtake lane just after that and revved and held one finger out the window at me - but by then I WAS smiling (even though staring straight ahead!) so cant say as a I blame him!

This reminds me of a test drive Cita and I took in a 1995 Jeep Cherokee Sport. On the drive we were checking everything out, playing with all of the gadgets, power windows, power locks, A/C, etc... As we were driving down a particularly busy road a fellow driver began tailgating us. I made a passing comment to Cita about this guys driving habits and at the same time decided to test the rear windshield washer. Unbeknownst to me, the line was disconnected, when I hit the button a blast of washer fluid flew out of the back of the Jeep and all over the tailgater's car. It was a hilarious coincidence that caused the guy to back off for the reminder of the time he was behind us. Cita and I couldn't stop laughing.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McFly on July 08, 2007, 05:04:42 AM
Now there's an idea! Imagine hooking something like that up as a permanent thing for tailgaters...? lol
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on July 08, 2007, 05:10:19 AM
hehe.....would be good for traffic wardens too....  :eusa_shifty::
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on July 14, 2007, 04:55:05 PM
A joke to lighten this thread...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said:
“Stop. Don’t do it.”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he asked.
“Well, there’s so much to live for!”
“Like what?”
“Are you religious?”
He said: “Yes.”
I said: “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”
“Christian.”
“Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
“Protestant.”
“Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”
“Baptist.”
“Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”
“Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”
“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”
He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915.”
I said: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.

I love a happy ending  :033:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Recycle on July 14, 2007, 05:21:42 PM
now that is funny!  lol
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: sisterearth on July 17, 2007, 07:12:20 AM
 :teeth:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on December 18, 2007, 11:02:23 AM
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: GostaBerling on December 18, 2007, 11:45:45 AM
 :LMAO:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on December 19, 2007, 05:40:44 AM
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Hmmm... well thats an interesting question isn't it ?
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: GostaBerling on December 19, 2007, 11:23:44 AM
Q: How many egocentric people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes a very long time. Fore the person has to hold the light bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on December 19, 2007, 11:34:40 AM
How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light
bulb?

A: None. They're supposed to keep the President in the dark.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on December 19, 2007, 10:36:30 PM


 

 


A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen
named  Guido was relaxing at his  favourite bar in Rome when he managed
to attract a  spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her  back to his apartment
and, after some small talk, they retired to his  bedroom where he rattled
her  senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile,
"So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied,  "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she  thrashed about wildly and there were screams of  passion. The sex finally  ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You  finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his  smile, cuddles closer to him  and softly says,
"No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido  reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last  of his strength, he  barely manages it, but they end together  screaming, bucking, clawing and  ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls  onto his back, gasping.  Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her  eyes,  smiles proudly and asked again.

"You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde  whispers in his ear,

 "No, I Norwegian."

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: GostaBerling on December 20, 2007, 10:06:27 AM
Nei, jeg er norsk!!!   :043:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on December 20, 2007, 11:15:24 AM
Explaining Stereotypes, Analysis of Jokes About Norwegians Written by Anders Hammarbäck. (2002-11-02)

1. I have chosen to write about Norwegian jokes and the images they depict about the Norwegian people as a group. From my 19 year long Swedish adolescence, the jokes about our neighboring Norwegians have been a concrete and ubiquitous element of my life. They have played a significant role for my conception of Norwegians, along with media coverage and interpretations in movies. These sources are most often more influential than meetings and actual encounters that occur more scarcely. To my knowledge, the mockery disguised in humor between Scandinavian countries (at least Norway, Sweden and Finland) has been present for many decades. Since these jokes are a part of everyday life, everyone more or less internalizes the image of “stupid Norwegians” which effectively carries on through oral tradition from generation to generation, conforming the people’s mindsets into the shape of the previous generations’.

Jokes about Norwegians:

1. How do you sink a Norwegian submarine?
- You swim down and knock on the door.

How do you sink a Norwegian submarine a second time?
- You swim down and knock on the door, then the Norwegian crew opens and says:
”Haha, we’re not buying that again!”

How do you sink a Swedish submarine?
- You put in a Norwegian crew.

2. A Norwegian, Ola, had just become an astronaut and was going up in the space for the first time. With him he had a monkey.
Control tower: “If there is a red light, the monkey should do something and if there is a green light, Ola should do something.”

They both nodded.

Red light: “Monkey, start the engine.”
The monkey started the engine without problems.
Red light: “Monkey, initiate launch process.”
So did the monkey.
Red light: “Monkey, release emergency rockets.”
No problems for the monkey.
Ola started to get bored from not doing anything and sighed loudly.
Red light: “Place the shuttle in the correct orbit.”
The monkey carried through the instructions.
GREEN LIGHT.
“Yes, finally I’m going to do something,” Ola thought.
”Ola, feed the monkey.”

3. How do you know Jesus could not be found in Norway?
- It’s impossible to find three wise men there.

4. A Norwegian was involved in a car accident, and the police came up and asked him: “Who is responsible for this crash?”
The Norwegian: “I don’t know, I was looking in another direction.”

5. What do they call smart people in Norway?
- Tourists!

4. Brief statement about the Norwegian stereotype:
Norwegians are stupid, frolicsome and carefree. This is the general conception people in Sweden have of Norwegians.

5. The background to the jokes is the old neighbor rivalry between Sweden and Norway, which makes the purpose of the jokes resistant to drastic change. Norway has always been seen as the “little brother” of Sweden, but lately, the family ties have started to turn around. There are two main reasons that the jokes portrait Norwegians as being stupid.
1. First, their melody of speech is constantly optimistic. It is impossible to imagine a verbal fight between two Norwegians. Swedes are annoyed by this. When they speak, it sounds like they are singing cheerful songs rather than having serious conversations.
2. The second reason we make more fun of the Norwegians than the Finns is that we use an unconscious psychological defense mechanism to protect us against the bothering situation. In reality, the Norwegians have the luck of having great oil resources outside their coastline, which brings them steady economical advantages, while the rest of the Scandinavia is experiencing volatile economical ups and downs. By saying that they are stupid, we blame “luck” to be the factor explaining why they currently are more successful than us.

Considering this, the study of Norwegian jokes must go beyond racial and ethnic observations to instead include factors such as history and economy. Their racial characteristics (attractive blondes) are considered same as the those for Swedes, hence jokes about those would logically backfire.
The global generalization of Norwegians (and the rest of the Scandinavian population) seems to concern physical appearance rather than psychological qualities. This means the traits in the jokes differ from the global conception of Norwegians, simply because there are two different perspectives of ethnocentrism; one from within the Scandinavia (“Norwegians are stupid”) and one looking at Scandinavia from outside (“Scandinavians, including Norwegians are attractive blondes”).
The stereotype of Norwegians appear to match the American view on Poles which is used globally by different groups of people to make fun of others. Also blondes in...

 :p17:

Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on December 20, 2007, 11:43:00 AM
Of course i have to counter!

Jokes about swedes told by Norwegians;

There were two Norwegians and a swedish testpilot flying a SAAB- JAS fighter plane. Suddenly the plane caught fire and everyone realized that they'll have to bail out. The problem however was that there were only two parachutes in the plane. The swede suddenly said "My intellect is so great that it can't possibly be lost to mankind. I will take one of the parachutes" He jumps and the two Norwegians are left. "What are we going to do now?" one of them asked? "Well, we'll just jump. The great intellect grabbed my back-sack."

The latest thing on the diet front in Sweden is the new "animal-cure", which is very popular in Sweden. In a short interview, the creator Lasse Gorth, gives us the answer to why he calls it the "animal-cure". "Yeah, well, the reason for that is very simple. You just have to eat like a fly and shit like an elephant."

The Swedish mountaineer Christer Olsson, has stated in a press-conference that his attempt to climb over the sound-barrier has failed again.

There once was this Swede who after year of waiting, finally got to be lobotimized. But when the surgeon removed the top of his head, he found that there wasn't anything in there, except this little strand of thread. The surgeon didn't know what to do, so he cut off the tread. Guess what happened then???? The Swede's ears fell off...

Once there came a customer into the store and asked, "May I have two sandwitches?". The store-clerk then asked, "Are you Swedish?" whereupon the customer said, "is it because I said "sandwitch" you knew I was a Swede?. The clerk made a cunning smirk, "no, it is because you're in a hardware store."

Two Swedes were in Norway on a visit and they were wondering about all the beautiful buildings. One of the Swedes went over to a Norwegian and asked how they managed to build such beautiful buildings. The Norwegian brought the Swede to a wall and laid his hand on it. Then he asked the Swede to hit it. First the Swede didn't want to, but then finally he hit as hard as he was able to. The Norwegian quickly pulled his hand out of the way and the Swede got all his knuckles smashed. The Norwegian said, "It's a question of intelligence."
The Swede went back to his buddy who wondered if he'd gotten his question answered. - "Yes," the he answered and put his hand on his forehead, "Hit my hand!"..

Once there were two swedes who were called in for an IQ-test. The first swede went in to take the test, he got 2 points because he had come, 2 points because he had understood the letter and he got 2 points for being able to find his way to the place where the test was held. Yet, he was marked as a swede because he didn't know what IQ meant. Next, the other swede went into the room where the test was being held. He got the same number of points plus 2 extra points for knowing what IQ meant, and he got approved as 8 points was the minimum limit to pass the test. When he got out of the room he told his buddy, "Jag, er intelligent!" (I am intelligent), where upon his friend answered "Inte jag heller" (neither am I).

Did you ever hear about the swede who went ice-fishing and returned home with 10lbs of ice?

Did you ever hear about the swede who hijacked a submarine and asked for 100.00 Kronor in ransom and a parachute?

Then there's the story about the swede who was building himself a house. One of his friends came by and asked why the heck he threw away every second nail? "They have the nail-head in the wrong end", the man replied. His friend became furious with him and shouted, "How stupid can you get? Don't you realize that those nails were made to be used on the other side of the house???"

It was Olympics time and the Russians had sent their best man to compete in the wrestling competition. This man was famous for one thing, and that was the 'iron grip', if he got anyone into that grip, then they were as good as dead-meat. The Swedes were studying video cuts of this wrestler, and it dawned upon them, that if their competitor managed to avoid falling into this 'iron grip', they could win.
The best of the Swedes finally made it to the final, and so did the Russian. It started good, the Swede managing to get a in couple of points. Then when there was only a half minute left the Russian managed to get the Swede into his 'Iron Grip'. The Swedish coach walked depressedly back to the locker room. As he entered he heard the crowd roar outside "Sverige, Sverige, Sverige! ".
The wrestler entered the locker room cheering. The coach looked at him wonderingly, and asked, "How did you get out of the 'Iron-Grip'?" The wrestler was gasping air, "Well, as I was lying there, trying to get out of it, I saw these two nuts just hanging there in front of me, and I just thought: 'this is the Olympics; it is only held every 4th year; this is my big chance, it's now or never.' Soo, I put 'em in my mouth and bit as hard as I could.. and I can promise you one thing, if you bite your own balls that hard you can get out of any grip."

There were these two Swedish hunter-buddies who went to Norway and bought a "fågelhund" that is, a bird dog. Later they returned to Sweden to test the dog, but they were rather disappointed. Finally one of the guys said "We've been cheated, we might as well just give the dog away." The other Swede looked back at his buddy, "Yeah, we'll give him one more chance. Throw him up in the air again, and if he doesn't fly we'll just have to give him away to someone else."

There was this Norwegian who was on vacation 'over-there' in Florida. All his life he'd wanted to have a pair of alligator-shoes, and now he thought he would finally be able to get around to buying a pair. Gator shoes are of course expensive, and haggling down the price didn't help. Finally the Norwegian yelled out in anger, "Bare behold de elendige skoene dine. Skal det være på den måten, skal jeg pinadø leie meg båt, dra oppover sumpene her, fange meg en alligator og lage skoene selv!!!!" (Sigh.. In English: Just keep your lousy shoes. If that's how it's going to be then I'll just get myself a boat, go out into the swamp, catch a gator and make my own shoes!).. The owner of the store just looked stupidly at him, "Yeah, sure, and give my best regards to the Swedes who're already up there trying to do what you just told me." The Norwegian runs to a boat-rental and gets a boat, then he heads out into the swamp
After a while he finds two Swedes standing up to their knees in the water. Both of them are holding a spear pointed at the water. "det må være svenskene." (that must be the Swedes) the Norwegian thinks. Suddenly there's a movement in the water and an alligator swims towards one of the Swedes. The Swede is standing there like a statue, just waiting for the big gator to get closer. When the gator is close by the Swede stick his spear into the gator, and with a bit of fighting he get's the beast onto the land, where there is a big pile of gators. The Swede turns the gator on his back and examines it's feet, and then finally utters, "Satan också! Inte sko på den haer heller." (Damn! No shoes on this one either!)..

A swede made a trip to New York and while standing in front of the Empire State building, he started to count all the floors. A policeman came by and thought to himself: "That one must be swedish" and decided to take advantage of him. He went up to him and said: "Do you know that it's illegal to count the floors on buildings in the United States?" The swede replied: "No sir, I did not." The police officer then said: "I'm afraid I'll have to charge you $10.00 per floor you counted." The swede then said: "Oh, I counted 50 floors sir." The police officer left, very happy. Then, a swedish comrad came along and asked what had just happened. His friend replied: "My, how these Americans are stupid! I told him that I had counted 50 floors when I had really counted 51!"

A swedish space-scientist came running into the office of his norwegian colleague. "The swedes will be
Two norwegians were telling swedish jokes. "Do you know how to save a swede from drowning?" the one said. "No," his friend said after a little while. The first norwegian grinned, "Oh, That's good."
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: westy6789 on December 20, 2007, 12:22:33 PM
ROTF LMAO :LMAO: :LMAO: :LMAO: :LMAO: :LMAO:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on December 21, 2007, 12:33:15 AM
Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because
it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. As
soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look!
The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?

Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people star asking
to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want."  So he
decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete
with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one will know me now, I look
just like everyone else!" he thought happily.

As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to
point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!"
Santa rushed around a corner to hide.

"It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long
white beard!" So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard
shaved off. "I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought.

So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face.
Suddenly a man shouted, "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!"

Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize
him. So Santa walked up to the man and said,  "How did you
recognize me?"

The man looked at Santa and said, "You? I don't know you, but
isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you
Rudolph?"
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Wizzard on December 21, 2007, 04:18:46 PM
Side effects of  Viagra.
A woman asks her husband,    "Would you like some bacon and eggs , toast,
and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
 
He declines.    "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry . It's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
 
At lunchtime ,  she asks him  if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, or a cheese sandwich?"
 
He  again declines. "That Viagra," he says, " it  really trashes my desire for food."
 
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.    " How about a juicy steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe  some chicken or tasty stir fry?"
 
He declines again. "No," he says, "it  must be the blasted Viagra,  I'm still not hungry."
 
"Well," she says, "Would you mind  getting off me?    I'm starving."
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on February 08, 2008, 04:37:42 PM
Too Funny.... :LMAO:

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________

And the best for last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


 :LMAO: :LMAO:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on March 02, 2008, 02:10:00 AM
 lol That made me laugh!
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on March 04, 2008, 09:09:11 AM
*DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!


Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.  These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.  Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it.  Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.  He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three month s and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.  Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.  Now what do I do?

*Remember these people can vote!!*    :eek:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on March 04, 2008, 09:16:24 AM
 lol remenber fastmc- the last idiot is not born yet!  (Old swedish saying)  :080:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on March 15, 2008, 04:20:26 PM
When Grandma Goes To Court

 

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosec uting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'


 :LMAO:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on March 15, 2008, 04:36:32 PM
 :LMAO:

Heard this one on the radio at work friday;

A man goes to see the doctor.

Patient "Please dont laugh at me doc- everyone laughs when i explain my problem"
Doctor "Im a professional and I promise you Ive seen everything i will not laugh"

The patient then starts to unzip his pants and removes them. The doctor with a very professional look on his face suddenly bursts into fits of laughter as soon as the patient drops his breifs.  Bent double in his chair from laughter he then says;

Doctor "Im sorry in all the years ive been practising medicine ive never done that I apologise its just ive never seen one that small, whats the problem?"

Patient "Its swollen"
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on March 16, 2008, 06:18:53 AM
 :LMAO:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on March 23, 2008, 04:55:10 PM
REPOST AGAIN !!!!!!!!!!!


REPOST! :005:

Had to dig this one out again I think its so funny.... :043:

This man in a Volkswagen bus pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls royce at a set of traffic lghts.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:  "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in the back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in the back here see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Volkswagen says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"


Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on March 23, 2008, 04:57:27 PM
 :LMAO:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on May 04, 2008, 06:53:03 PM
 lol  Payback    lol
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Remark on May 05, 2008, 06:01:18 AM
  :116:lol :005: :043: :LMAO:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Coilette on May 10, 2008, 11:35:21 PM


The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.





holy shit, i just realized i must be married!  my ol' lady is a ULC minister so maybe she wed us while i slept!


 :Doh:   so you really thought i wouldn't join lmb and see that? it might be 2 years late but  :eusa_naughty:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Dj:Eep on May 10, 2008, 11:39:44 PM
 :eusa_silenced: :eusa_whistle:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Recycle on May 14, 2008, 08:14:03 PM
 lol haha. Now that is a daily dose of humor!
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Coilette on May 14, 2008, 11:10:20 PM
:p6:  i  gotta keep him on his toes.....
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on May 29, 2008, 03:12:53 PM
Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and
Comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He Had a
heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having
sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we
figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to
ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too
strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued:

'He'd still be alive if that Ice Cream truck hadn't come along.'
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: GostaBerling on May 30, 2008, 02:47:32 AM
How does a little person announce they are gay?

They come out of the cupboard!  lol
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on May 30, 2008, 02:42:55 PM
 lol
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on June 05, 2008, 04:59:20 PM
Hypnotist at the seniors center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite 2 or three people up
here to be put in a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member
of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for
six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while chanting, 'Watch
the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotists
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'Shit,' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the senior centre  :eek:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on September 01, 2008, 12:24:23 PM
 lol heres a short one

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a
policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on September 02, 2008, 03:57:52 PM
 lol :043:  Hey............  I resemble that remark................. lol
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: itlives on November 25, 2008, 01:14:02 PM
 
Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time
 
 
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: GostaBerling on November 25, 2008, 01:34:29 PM
Good one!
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: zozo on November 25, 2008, 03:13:31 PM
Craigslist ad from the SF area:

Manly Bike for Sale
Date: 2008-07-22, 10:18AM PDT


Bike for sale


What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".



The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.



The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.



The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything.



I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:


Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.


Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".


Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices)


    * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 765370039
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on November 25, 2008, 03:35:50 PM
 :043:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on November 26, 2008, 06:53:22 AM
 :LMAO: Thats the stuff right there...:080:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: rastafoo on November 26, 2008, 03:16:35 PM
 :066: :098: :062:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on December 02, 2008, 02:25:17 PM
 :P
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on December 02, 2008, 03:15:16 PM
I have a buddy that used to do that.......... :021:  Until his wife found out.....  :LMAO:

 He kept telling her he was looking for something special for her..... but had the store employees model it for him.... :eusa_whistle:


He ended up having an affair with one of them......  :Doh: but his wife took him back anyway.... :102:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on December 02, 2008, 06:36:18 PM
Perfect Christmas Gift ..... for the wife

Just try reading this without laughing 'til you cry!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased is lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient  your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5
inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip shit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet , over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

*(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.  I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid. :LMAO:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: zozo on December 02, 2008, 08:00:22 PM
 :043: :043: :043: :LMAO: :LMAO: :LMAO: :010: :010: :010: :010: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: rastafoo on December 02, 2008, 08:17:49 PM
 thumb1 :LMAO: thumb1
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: zozo on December 02, 2008, 08:29:37 PM
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he
finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on
top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the
bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent
a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex; don't resist, don't complain...do
what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill
us
both. Be strong, honey. I love you! His wife responds: 'He wasn't
kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay ,
thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was
in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on December 09, 2008, 12:53:35 PM
Couple driving along a deserted road see a man dressed as Santa Claus thumbing a lift, so they stop and pick him up....

Man: "Why are you out here in the middle of nowhere?"
SC: "Oh the damn reindeer were startled by a snake while I was delivering presents to a remote indian tribe."
Woman: "Hang on ..are you saying you really are Santa?"
SC: "Of course... you can just drop me at the next garage about 15 miles up the road, I'll then phone home and get the Elves to retreive my sleigh."
Man: "Do you really manage to deliver everything in one night?"
SC: "Of course, but its all to do with Quantum physics, otherwise it would be impossible."
Woman: "how does that work then?"
SC: "Well I only have to be present at a limited number of drops, the rest happen by themselves, its all to do with synchronicity."
Man: "wow...."
SC: "I really do appreciate the lift though, some things are beyond my control."
Man: "Can you get someone any present they like?"
SC: "Under the right circumstances... of course."
Man: "Say I wanted a Porchse...what would I have to do..."
SC: "Er... well... if you have done a big favour for me, I could not refuse you one. I dont like to mention this usually but you have done me a huge favour."
Woman: "Can I have some diamonds then as well?"
SC:"If you really want them .... then I have to supply them. (sigh)"
Man: "Brilliant thats that then... when do we get them?"
SC: "When you awake tomorrow morning, christmas, you will find everything you have asked for."
Woman: "Woohoo, what luck!"
Man: "All that for giving you a lift ... is there anything else you need?"
SC: "Well...no its fine..."
Woman: "Go n we wont mind, there must be sonething else we can do for you?"
SC: "Er... look, missus Claus is getting on a bit and I dont get much these days, I dont suppose there is any chance of a blow job.....?"
Man: "Now hang on a minute.."
Woman: "No.. its ok, think about what we are getting for one blow job...."
Man: "Well... if you dont mind then."
She then proceeded to give Santa the best blow job of his life.Afterwards they dropped him at the garage, as he got out, he turned to them.
SC:" I hope you dont mind me asking, but how old are you both."
Man: "I'm 31."
woman: "I'm 28."
SC : "Amazing, at your age you can both still believe Santa claus exists...."
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on December 09, 2008, 05:45:26 PM
 :LMAO: I can relate..... :Doh:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on December 11, 2008, 02:12:30 PM
True Love Story


This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her,   
'What did you steal?' She replied, 'A can of peaches.'   

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she
was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied 6.

The judge then said, 'I will then give you 6 days in jail.'   

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up
and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, 'What is it?'   

The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'


 :bowdown:               lol
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on December 12, 2008, 09:10:45 AM
 lol  ...and a bag of rice! :LMAO:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: prizma on December 14, 2008, 10:05:24 PM
The convict

 thumb7 thumb7
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on December 16, 2008, 10:54:11 AM
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming

around in Mexico .
 
 While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

 

 The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

 

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

 

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day be cause there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

 

 The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

 

 The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.


 :eek: :118:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on December 19, 2008, 05:42:57 PM
 lol - Like that and ill raise you;

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!

Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on December 19, 2008, 07:10:52 PM
 :eek: :LMAO:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: GostaBerling on January 13, 2009, 01:15:55 PM

    A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a

    sign out of the corner of his eye...

     

    It reads:

     

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION


    10 MILES

     

    He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without

    second thought....

     

    Soon he sees another sign which reads:

     

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

    5 MILES

     

    Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives

    past a third sign saying:

     

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

    NEXT RIGHT

     

    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the

    far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next

    to the door reading:

     

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

    He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun

    in a long black habit who asks,

     
    'What may we do for you ! my son? '

     

    He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in

    possibly doing business....'

     

    'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding

    passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door

    and tells the man, 'Please knock on this
     door.'

     

    He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers

    the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go

    through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

     

    He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through

    the door pulling it shut behind him.

     

    The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing

    another sign:

     

    GO IN PEACE.

    YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

    SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

     

     
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: rastafoo on January 13, 2009, 07:05:37 PM
 :LMAO: lol :LMAO:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: McT on January 13, 2009, 11:33:15 PM
 lol Thats a joke in my taste!  :033:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Mykul on January 14, 2009, 07:23:19 PM
I stole this from the D3 site.

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: zozo on January 14, 2009, 07:44:24 PM
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirins. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: zozo on January 14, 2009, 07:45:13 PM
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa
went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is
your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: zozo on January 14, 2009, 07:47:15 PM
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
> room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and
> noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she
> touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was
> definite movement.
>
> They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As
> crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick &
> bring her out of the coma.'
>
> The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close
> the curtains for privacy.
>
> The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
> minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
>
> The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
>
> The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
>
> NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: GostaBerling on January 14, 2009, 08:16:24 PM
Those are great Zozo
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: zozo on January 15, 2009, 04:26:13 PM
Quite a few strung together for ease of posting:

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

********

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

********

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

********

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....

********

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible'. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me
a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: zozo on January 16, 2009, 12:28:56 PM
If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you
would have $42 left.

With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left.

With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left.

But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago,
drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum
recycling refund, you would have had $214.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is
to drink heavily and recycle.
 
It's called the 401-Keg.....


Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: GostaBerling on January 28, 2009, 06:40:26 PM
Found this on TS.

Quote
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

So, off he went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist, prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying: "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: GostaBerling on January 30, 2009, 01:18:09 PM
The wifey sent me this one today:





Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

immediately take the words back.....

or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow

and asked loudly,

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men 's balls .

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day,

my sister has never let me forget.

=0 A

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok...

I was finally able to grab hold of

her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons...

I told her that if she did not start behaving

'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

0A

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco,

I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked

my seven-month- old daughter, she was clean.

Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' .

I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'

Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

'No,' he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better,

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: GostaBerling on February 05, 2009, 02:19:15 PM
Go to this site and just wait. Don't click on anything or do anything. Just watch and listen.

http://producten.hema.nl/ (http://producten.hema.nl/)
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on February 05, 2009, 02:51:55 PM
That's pretty creative..... lol  keeps your attention.....  thumb1
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: rastafoo on February 05, 2009, 07:05:46 PM
I'm sitting here late at nite in nothing but my spongebob boxers in a quiet house and I had the volume up way too loud - that cup falling at the beginning scared the H%$% out of me!
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on February 05, 2009, 07:39:14 PM
 :043:
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Mykul on February 05, 2009, 07:53:18 PM
Go to this site and just wait. Don't click on anything or do anything. Just watch and listen.

http://producten.hema.nl/ (http://producten.hema.nl/)

Very cool! I kept waiting for a trick.
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Fastmc25 on August 27, 2009, 08:44:23 AM
Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

 

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?

 
SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

 

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.

 

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows…

 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,

 milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

 

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have

 downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.

 

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.

 

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow

  and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

 

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,

  give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

 

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.

 

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

 

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's

  private parts.

You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives

  to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

 

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.

 

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

 

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.

The cow is schizophrenic.

Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.

The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.

The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.

The cow asks permission to be cut in half.

The cow dies happy.

 

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally

  vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think

  is the best looking cow.

 

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.

They make real California cheese.

Only five speak English.

Most are illegal.

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders .
 lol
Title: Re: Daily dose of humour
Post by: Vegasvolks on October 28, 2009, 11:11:12 AM
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair ...






She turned to me and asked ......

'Are you having it catered???'

(And THAT, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!)
Title: Lowered
Post by: MMac on October 25, 2010, 02:20:31 AM
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”

“Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”

“You’re darn right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”
 
 
Title: Its great to be Scottish!
Post by: MMac on October 25, 2010, 05:23:51 AM
A Scotsman, an Englishman, a hot blonde and a fat chick get on the
subway. They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they
all hear a loud slap. When the lights come on, the Englishman  has a big
red handprint on his face.

The blonde thinks: "Oh, the Englishman must have made a move for me,
but fondled that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him".

The fat woman thinks: "Hmm, that Englishman tried to put the moves on
that blonde and got slapped. Good for her."

The Englishman thinks: "Hey, that Scotsman must have went for the
blonde, and she slapped me by mistake!"

The Scotsman thinks: "Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel, so I
can wallop that English f#cker again".

It's GREAT to be Scottish.